I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of selfishness.

It’s almost impossible to declare another person selfish without spitting the word. “Oh? Him? Selfish. May he never know peace.”

Even the dictionary definition may as well just read serial killer:

Selfish—lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure

Most of us, I think, learn early on in life that not thinking about others is a bad thing.

To take the last cookie without asking if anyone else wanted it. Selfish. Bad. Hogging the shared bathroom in the morning while others are waiting. Selfish. Bad. Cutting in line, refusing to share toys, not letting Carol play with you at recess because she’s annoying. Selfish. Bad.

Even into adulthood, maybe especially into adulthood, there’s something particularly savage about the accusation of selfishness.

“Ugh. She’s so selfish.”

Translation: Just straight to hell, do not pass go.

Because we simplify it.

Thinking and acting for the sake of others = Good

Thinking and acting for the sake of ourselves = Monster

And to be fair, this approach does sometimes apply.

To revisit some of the above examples, hogging the bathroom all morning knowing that your sister will have to go to school with wet hair in the middle of winter does make you kind of a monster. And I think most of us can agree that if you cut in any line for any reason other than jugular damage or urgent diarrhea, you’re just a terrible person.

But I also think that’s the child’s way of approaching selfishness; it’s how we teach kids to not be little jerks. Like, yes, Madison, you do have to let Michael use that red crayon when you’re done with it. And hey, actually yeah, Keith, it is your brother’s turn to be the banker in Monopoly.

But an adult?

I think this concept of selfishness gets more nuanced, more subjective and dare I say, a hell of a lot more weaponized.

Because as adults, labeling someone selfish is often how we shame or guilt people for not doing what we want.

Not always. But often when we accuse someone of being selfish, what we’re really saying is, they’re not doing what I want. They’re not thinking about me. They’re not acting in the way I think they should act. They don’t want the things that I think are important in life.

Let’s look at some scenarios we can all probably relate to, or at least wrap our heads around:

Adam spends every Saturday during college football season watching the game with his friends, even though girlfriend Kelly really wants to take ballroom dancing lessons on Saturdays. Selfish! says Kelly. He’s thinking about himself!

Josh opts to stay in Boston for Christmas instead of traveling to Denver to spend Christmas with his parents and family. Selfish! says Mom. He’s thinking about himself.

Olivia has a glamorous job traveling the world as a PR consultant, spending her weekends drinking Champagne on yachts, and never visits her hometown. Her brother Chris has three kids under 5 and visits their parents every weekend. Selfish! says Chris. She’s thinking about herself!

So, let’s revisit the dictionary definition of selfish, shall we …

concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure

No doubt about it. Adam, Josh, and Olivia are all making choices based on their own pleasure—they’re doing what they want to do, even if it displeases others.

Selfish. The dictionary says so.

But now let’s take those exact same examples and flip them around.

Kelly wants Adam to skip his favorite team’s game and spend weekends with her instead. Isn’t Kelly mostly focused on what Kelly wants?

Mom wants Josh to spend Christmas her way. Isn’t Mom mostly focused on what Mom wants?

Chris wants Olivia to have the same family-first value system that he has and perhaps share his burden. Isn’t Chris mostly focused on what Chris wants?

Are Kelly, Mom, and Chris not also …selfish?

Now I’m not suggesting that we throw up in the towel on the concept. I’m selfish, you’re selfish, we’re all selfish, might as well just own it and be jerks!

And I know some of you would argue Kelly, Mom, and so on are really looking for is just to feel cared about, or to connect with loved ones, and that’s not selfish so much as human.

(I would argue that there are many ways to be human, but that’s another article for another day).

But I still think we’re due for a redefinition, or at least an expansion of what selfishness means beyond the childish definition of, “Give your brother a bite of your candy bar, don’t be selfish.”

I’m going to potentially ruffle some feathers here, but…

I think one of the more selfish things we can do as an adult is tether our happiness to someone else’s actions.

To operate under the model of, “my day/week/life will be unfulfilling unless they do this.”

Of course, I’m not saying we should all operate as isolated silos completely, disconnected from other humans. None of us are an island, and all that.

But outsourcing our happiness to other people means that we cast them as supporting characters in our lives rather than letting them be the main character of their own.

I don’t think it gets more selfish than that.

Conversely, I think the most unselfish thing we can do is accept that someone else’s joy, priorities, or peace might not align with ours. And to let that be okay.

To say, “I love that for you!” and mean it … even when you don’t love that for you.